SpoofTech Exclusive: We tracked down an old HP DeskJet 3845 living in the dark corner of a small-town accountant’s office. It’s still plugged in. Still “offline.” We sat down for a brutally honest, no-holds-barred interview.
SpoofTech: First off, thank you for agreeing to talk to us. You’ve been out of the spotlight for a while.
Printer: Out of the spotlight? Please. I live in the spotlight. Whenever Karen from Accounting can’t print her PDF, guess who gets blamed? Me. Never mind, she hasn’t updated her drivers since 2012.
SpoofTech: You’ve been in service for over 18 years. How does that feel?
Printer: Like printing a Word doc on dial-up. Look, I was built when people still used AOL CDs as coasters. I’ve printed resumes, flyers for garage sales, and two thesis papers. Now I’m expected to scan wirelessly? I barely understand USB.
SpoofTech: What’s your biggest frustration these days?
Printer: Paper jams. No, not the actual jam—being blamed for them. You overstuff the tray, feed in bent paper, then kick me when I complain? That’s emotional abuse. Also, don’t get me started on ink refills. $40 for black ink? I’m a printer, not a luxury vehicle.
SpoofTech: What’s your opinion on modern printers?
Printer: They’re sleek, wireless, cloud-connected… and emotionally dead inside. They’ll never understand the joy of printing a 20-page report while humming mechanically through every page. I may be old, but I’ve got a soul.
SpoofTech: What do you want people to know?
Printer: Stop pressing the power button 12 times in a row. It doesn’t make me work faster. Also, I’m not actually “offline.” I’m just on strike.
And one more thing—just because I make grinding noises doesn’t mean I’m broken. That’s my startup sound. It’s called character.
Final Words
As our Interview ended, the printer wheezed out a test page, coughed once, and displayed the dreaded “Error: Unknown.“ A hero. A martyr. A survivor of a paper-based world now ruled by PDFs.
So the next time you yell at your printer, remember you’re shouting at the last piece of tech that remembers when Clippy was still around.